Throw back to August 2017
YOU HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE RIGHT???
You have to start somewhere right? but where? how? right now I don't know the answer, seems way too far away from me.
Today I started on Sertraline an anti depressant which focuses on OCD and extreme anxiety. I don't have 1 particular event or time that made me become unstuck I have many, some are a big deal, some are little things, but they are there.
I'm a Mum and a wife with a wonderful husband who is my best friend, he soothes my soul, he gives me wings when I need to fly yet keeps my two feet on the ground. Our 4 beautiful healthy children that we have been blessed with are my world. They say there is nothing more powerful than a mothers love and its true.
Writing this first post I have like 247 tabs open in my head, where to start? I am so jumbled, I want to talk about things that have happened this week, this year, 2 years ago, 10 years ago, and when I was at school. So many of these things flash into my memories throughout my day.
The first step I think is admitting to yourself you have a problem, I'm yet to do that.
There is still a stigma over a disease that you cannot physically see. If you don't suffer with it, you are probably making your own judgements, like toughen up, you look fine to me, no one can help you, you have to help yourself. The list of comments and assumptions goes on. The thing is, when you suffer with this, you don't want people to know, you don't need their judgements, so you hide it, you protect your inner you, you wear your armour.
Admitting and actually accepting you have depression feels like defeat. Like you have failed. I am a Mum and a wife who holds everyone together, but I have failed, I'm broken, I forgot to look after myself for so long that I have fallen apart. It's no-ones fault, its not that my husband and kids don't make me happy they do, I wish they knew its them that keeps me here. They make my heart sing.
This is where Bronson & Beau came from, from moments like these. I wrote this back in August 2017 and my husband just read it for the first time last night with a lump in his throat. These feelings are RAW and I hope that by you reading it you don't feel alone and you too can take off your armour. See my next blog on the web "10 months on..."