10 Months on... How I see it now...
HOW HELP AND TIME CHANGED IT ALL...
10 months ago, I started a new journey, 10 months ago I was rock bottom, 10 months ago I had severe OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), severe anxiety and extreme depression.
This had me in a whirlwind of emotions I was like a racing car on the inside yet numb on the outside, I hated leaving the house, I wasn’t up for a conversation, not with anyone, even my closest and loved ones. It wasn’t that I disliked them, I disliked myself and couldn’t concentrate long enough to remember what we were talking about, just too much going on in my mind. I don’t think there is an exact way to describe it, maybe as my husband and sister-in-law says, it’s like a deafening silent fog and its frightening.
Now 10 months on, I am different. I’m not 100% but 100% better than where I was and who I was. I am still taking Sertraline every day and my wonderful doctor monitors me closely. I'm now back to doing what I love, being a Mum, and even though with a family of 6 there is no time for me, I make sure during the week I do something for myself. Photography is my stress-free time, time to shut off from the world, it's something I love. Then there is this... Bronson & Beau, a creation by my husband and I. Something for us to keep busy, something else to focus on, something other than the strains and stresses that everyday life can bring. We do this to help ourselves so in turn it will help others.
Changes do not happen overnight. The biggest and most difficult hurdle is the one where you finally admit and accept that you are suffering and need help and when you realise this your emotions are so intense you don’t think there is any possible way to escape it. BUT please read on… Breathe slowly, you’ve done it, you know you need help, you’re ready to work on coming back to the flip side.
I have a wonderful family and loving and supporting friends from 1km away to 1800kms away. Once I started to slowly open up to them (which they already knew and saw it in me) they all helped me stand up again and my husband sewed my wings back on. He has been there every step of the way. He never allows me to feel alone, even when I felt my worst, I was never alone.
We have 2 of our own children suffering with anxiety, our eldest son is 17 and he understands it a little bit more than our beautiful 9-year-old daughter, it can be so overwhelming for her to grasp. It is heartbreaking to watch when she is at her worst, but by explaining depression and anxiety, what you feel and working out what triggers it has been helpful for her, she is the kind of kid that worries about everything until it boils over.
We have very recently seen a very close family member at her worst. She’s been so strong for so long that it has all built up and affected her all at once. We have been where she is, so it hurts us just as much watching and guiding her through the tough days.
I have anxiety as I write all this, I’m not the kind to share my emotions or what I think or what my family is going through. I can’t stand the judgement, so I’d rather keep it to myself. But since watching our loved ones going through it, we now know how others saw us. We want you to know there is a good, it is there, you just need to find it. We want people to talk about it, kids to understand it, the world to have a softer hand for those afraid to stand up.
I have suffered with anxiety since I was very young, then came the OCD and the depression comes and goes. I know and understand that I will have to fight this fight for the rest of my life. But with a happy life style, support and a reminder to stop being so hard on myself I will survive.
We don’t want you to go through what we do and hope that you can be the support that someone else might need one day. Don’t wait to get help. Don’t wait to speak. Love hard and let them love you, smile again from the inside.
See you on the flip side